Some of us would consider ourselves to be in a relationship as soon as it feels right whereas some of us prefer to take more time before deciding whether we should commit into a relationship.

Your Expectations & Depth of Understanding Matters.

The Reality Is That:

• There is no right or wrong, happy and lasting relationships can result from both scenarios, but how well you know each other before committing into a relationship would affect the chances of the relationship being successful.
• A successful relationship takes time & effort to build
• It takes time to really get to know a person and whether they are right for you

“If we choose the right partner for our lives, life can be like heaven on earth; but if we chose the wrong partner, life can be a living hell.”

Differing Expectations & Moving Too Quicky

If you commit too quickly without communication, you run the risk of:

• Causing differing expectations & “one-sidedness” due to the different pace of commitment
• Committing to someone who might not be right for you & realizing it when it’s too late to back out without hurting someone.

Differing levels of commitment can strain a relationship while committing too early might cause you to be stuck in an unhappy relationship with the wrong person when you discover it later on.

How do we know when would be the right time?

While there is no exact time frame that everyone should follow because every relationship is unique, most successful relationships we’ve observed would resemble the following timeline and we hope that it can serve as a guide on when to enter or commit into the various stages of a relationship.

The Dating Timeline

The above timeline is just an estimate, but in essence, the right time to commit or enter into these various stages should depend on how long it takes for the following factors to fall into place.

Getting to Know Each Other (Dating)

How to know if the time is right to start dating:

• As long as you are somewhat attracted to them and don’t mind getting to know him/her better romantically

(You can use our App to find out if someone is also interested in you)

Expectation Level: CASUAL

This is an exploratory stage and one should not have overly high expectations

Just treat it as a fun & light hearted adventure in getting to know a new friend better romantically while having a great time!

In a Relationship (Boyfriend/Girlfriend)

How to know if the time is right to commit into a relationship:

• You’ve seen both the good & bad in each other and found no Fundamental Incompatibilities (Listed Here)
• You really know each other well (character, beliefs & personality)
• You have a strong friendship
• You’ve seen how they behave in front of their close friends (guys & girls)
• Despite discovering each other’s bad habits or shortfalls, you’re still attracted to each other

Expectation Level: COMMITTED

This is a stage where the both of you are in a committed relationship and are trying to build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. It should be expected that the both of you would try your best to build this relationship together & make space for each other in your hearts & lives.

Engagement (Preparation for Marriage)

How to know if it’s the right time to get engaged:

• You have been in a committed relationship for some time and are still happy
• You’ve gone through fights and bad times together but made it work in the end
• You’re each other’s best friend of the opposite sex
• Both of you are at a stage where you are prepared to consider the possibility of settling down, starting a family or live the rest of your lives together
• You are comfortable with each other’s friends, family & lifestyle

Expectation Level: PREPARING FOR LIFELONG COMMITMENT

Marriage (Spending the rest of your lives together)

How to know if you are ready for marriage:

• Your engagement period went well

Marriage is the start of an exciting & long adventure together with your soul mate on a journey called life. If you’ve found the right partner, the journey would be like heaven on earth. It is definitely not the end of the romance, it should be the start of an exciting new journey together!

Expectation Level: LIFELONG COMMITMENT

So when and how should you commit into a relationship?

Well, there is no right or wrong answer to this, but there will probably be less heartbreak & complications if both parties:

• Treat dating as a fun & exploratory period to get to know a friend better romantically without too much expectations
• Spend sufficient time getting to know each other before deciding to commit into a relationship
• Regularly communicate your expectations & feelings to each other as your relationship progresses. That way, you will both know when you are both ready to commit into a relationship, need more time, or it would be better to go separate ways.

“It takes time & effort to really get to know someone and to build a relationship. Hence, it is advisable for us to invest the required time…”

Is everything we know about love true?

Here are 3 dangerous love myths that could save you from heartbreak if you knew them…

1.  TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL

While we all secretly wish that this was true, the reality is that true love has the power to conquer many problems in a relationship, but not all of them.

There are some types of relationships with fundamental problems that even true love can’t conquer.

You can try, but there is a very high chance that you will end up getting disappointed or stuck in an unhappy relationship or marriage.

Common Examples:

• If I love someone enough, they will eventually change and stop hurting me

Some of us feel that if we show enough love and appreciation for someone, they will stop hurting us (lie, gamble, take drugs, being adulterous, lose their temper etc). But in reality, research has shown that 90% of a person’s character and values are almost firmly rooted in us by the time we turn 19. It would require a life-changing event or an incredible amount of willpower & determination to change certain habits or characteristics.

So, if we keep on believing in the myth that true love can help us magically change a person’s character, there is a high chance we will be disappointed.

• If I love someone enough, I can eventually learn to accept any flaw in a person

Be honest with yourself.

While we are able to make many compromises for a person we love, there will be certain things that we just can’t accept in a life partner. Many of us make the mistake of believing that we can convince ourselves to accept it by learning to love them more, but if we are really honest with ourselves, we will realize that there are some things that we just can’t accept no matter how hard we try.

It can be infidelity, lack of honesty, lack of communication or bad habits. Everyone has a different set of things they can’t accept or tolerate. We have to honestly ask ourselves these questions to prevent us from hurting someone or ourselves.

The Reality:

• It takes more than love & romance to build a happy marriage/relationship
• It needs Compatibility + Commitment

2.  YOU’LL KNOW TRUE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

Sometimes we will meet someone and be instantly attracted to them, we will feel butterflies in our stomach along with that heart stopping, lovey-dovey tingling sensation.

However, is that love?

The reality is that true love takes time & effort to develop, that overwhelming heart stopping, lovey-dovey sensation that we experience is most probably just infatuation & chemistry, which is a good thing, and essential for any strong relationship, but it does not necessarily mean that it is love.

The dangers of mistaking infatuation for love:

• It might cause us to blindly fuel a fundamentally problematic relationship solely on a romantic first encounter
• Blind us from realizing that he/she might not be the right/compatible life partner for us
• Cause us to ignore the real problems in the relationship
• Cause us to miss the chance for true lasting love by holding on to a relationship kept alive only by a romantic first encounter

Learn To Distinguish Infatuation From True Love

Although true love can develop from infatuation, that is not always the case. Hence, it is important for us to be able to distinguish between infatuation & true love, which takes time & effort to develop.

It is alright to start dating someone because you are infatuated with them to get to know them better romantically, but make sure that you are not blinded by infatuation alone and remember to focus on getting to know the person better to see if you are compatible & on building the relationship.

There are also many strong loving relationships that started off without that romantic “love at first sight” sensation, they could come naturally later on.

So, take the time to really get to know a potential candidate better and don’t be blinded by infatuation or the lack of infatuation so you don’t miss out on a potential life partner or end up with the wrong person.

3.  YOUR TRUE LOVE WILL FULFILL ALL OF YOUR NEEDS

Many of us believe that if we’ve found the right person, our lives will be complete. We will never be lonely anymore, all our needs will be fulfilled and life will be like paradise.

However, the reality is that although a perfect partner would indeed make our lives more complete and fulfill many of our needs and desires, they can never fulfill us completely.

Common Example:

If you go into a relationship because you feel lonely, crave companionship or the need for emotional security, you will likely be left disappointed.

This is because if you go into a relationship solely to fill your need for companionship and emotional security, you are likely to have nothing to offer your partner other than your “neediness”, and this would destroy your relationship because you will constantly be craving for love & affection but have little capacity to give back, and this would cause a strain on your relationship. A healthy relationship would require a healthy & mutual exchange of love & affection.

To fill that emotional gap, you will need to first fill up your love & emotional tank by building a healthy self-esteem or through spiritual fulfillment so that you have so much extra love & happiness that you can’t wait to share them with someone.

Otherwise, if you go into a relationship expecting your partner to fulfill your every need, there is a high chance that you will be disappointed and be left with an even bigger emotional void to fill.

“Love is a magical, beautiful & powerful thing, but not everything we heard about it might be true…”

Relationship Time Bombs are common problems in relationships that would eventually end the relationship or cause the relationship to be a very unhappy one if you ignore them.

If you realize that there are any of these time bombs in your relationship, maybe you might want to start paying attention to them before it’s too late.

Like time bombs, they can be diffused if you talk about it and work it out with your partner early on. However, they will eventually “explode” and might cause serious emotional damage if you try to ignore or avoid facing these problems

1.  LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

This is probably one of the toughest and most common relationship problem faced by couples in today’s globalised world.

Generally, relationships that start off being long distance without any sort prior foundation of friendship or dating (i.e strangers based in different locations meeting at an airport or a backpacking trip) are almost doomed to fail.

This is because things seem very different up close and from afar. It is very hard to really get to know a person in a long distance relationship because you will only see the best side of each other during the limited time you have together.

When you finally get to be in the same location and discover the flaws and not so pleasant side of each other, you might realize that you don’t really know the person you thought you knew so well. That might come as a shock to you and cause you to feel that you have been cheated and often would lead to the end of the relationship.

For it to work, you need to be extremely lucky.

However, a long distance relationship could work if ALL the following circumstances are met:

• There has been prior foundation before the relationship goes long distance.

      (E.g. Been friends/together for some time before relationship becomes long distance)

• The couple has the means/financial capability to physically meet each other regularly

     (E.g. Fly and meet each other at least once a month or once every 3 months)

• Commitment from both sides to communicate regularly and stay faithful to each other

Suggestions:

If you just met someone and plan to go into a long distance relationship with them right away. You might want to re-consider it or prepare yourself for the challenges that you will face and the high possibility that the relationship might fail.

If you have been good friends or have been together for some time & have a strong foundation with someone, then you could try, but make sure that both of you:

• Have the means/financial capability to meet each other regularly
• Communicate regularly
• Commit to staying faithful to each other

Otherwise, it might be better to just take a break for a while until the both of you are back in the same place and re-kindle the relationship if the both of you are still single then.

This just might save the both of you from making some mistakes that could destroy a relationship that otherwise could have worked at some point in the future if it never gone long distance.

2.  SIGNIFICANT AGE DIFFERENCE

In general, significant age difference (10-20 years) would cause problems in a relationship because of:

(a)   Differing Priorities in Life

(E.g. Older partner might want to get married while younger partner still wants to explore the world, older partner might want to stay home more while younger partner wants to party more)

(b)   Differing Levels of Maturity

(While maturity does not necessarily correspond with age, it usually does. But if the both of you have almost the same level of maturity, it will be alright)

NOTE:

However, it is important to note that age difference does not always come with differing life priorities & maturity. If the both of you have similar life priorities & maturity levels, then age difference is not a problem.

Also, such differences are not likely if you are both over 25 and the age difference is less than 5-7 years, significant age difference primarily refers to those with a difference of 10 years and above or between a student and a working adult

(the border between two stages of life).

The Gap Narrows The Older You Get

However, the older we get, the less age matters. There might be huge difference in life priority and maturity in a couple between couples who are 19 & 29 or 20 & 40 years old, but not much difference in couples who are 35 & 45 or 40 & 60 years old.

Suggestion:

To make a relationship with significant age difference work, it is important to communicate and understand each other’s priorities in life and lifestyle so you can give and take and make compromises for each other. If the couple is able to do that, then significant age difference will not be a problem because their life priorities & maturity levels will eventually grow to be similar.

3.  DIFFERENT SPIRITUAL BELIEFS

During good times, having different spiritual conviction won’t be a problem.

However, when a couple goes through challenging times, which would most likely happen at some point, or when it comes to decisions about children and family values, different spiritual conviction might strain a relationship and cause the relationship to fail if the expectations are not resolved.

Examples:

• When a Christian believes in being faithful and continue to pay tithes to the church during a financial crisis, a non-christian partner might not understand this and might think that it is stupid and impractical.
• Which values and beliefs should their children be taught or exposed to, should they go to church or the temple on a Sunday?

NOTE:

If the levels of spiritual conviction are not strong, in a sense that both adopt a rather neutral view, then different spiritual conviction won’t matter.

Suggestion:

To prevent differing spiritual conviction from straining the relationship, it is important for couples to acknowledge, understand and respect each other’s beliefs and commit to grow together in learning to accept, love and embrace each other’s spiritual convictions.

4.  DIFFERENT SOCIAL, ETHNIC OR EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND

It is possible for people from different social, ethnic or educational background to be together and have a fruitful and strong relationship.

However, if the differences are too big and the couple is not willing to understand & make compromises to accept or close the gap between the differences, then the relationship would be strained.

Examples:

• There might be a big difference in spending power & lifestyle that might take some time to get used to
• There might be a difference in social circles and friends with different attitudes, conversation topics and lifestyle
• There might be different values and customs to be observed

Suggestion:

To make the relationship work, it would be important for the couple to understand & accept each others’ lifestyle, customs, values, habits & friends and put in the effort to close the gap as much as possible such as being interested in each other’s conversation topics, get to know each others’ friends and participating in each other’s customs & hobbies.

This way, the difference will eventually become smaller and the relationship will be strong and healthy.

5.  DIFFICULT IN-LAWS

When we marry someone, we do not just marry the person, we also marry into the other person’s family, unless the couple is prepared to be totally independent of their families.

If our in-laws are friendly and easy going people, then all will be good.

However, if they are not, then it can cause cracks in the relationship if the problem is not resolved.

Suggestion:

To make the relationship work, it would be good to get to know your partner’s family members and see if you could get along with them well beforehand. If there are irreconcilable differences, you will have to discuss it with your partner and see if you are both willing to agree on a solution and stand your ground together.

It is important that you and your life partner are together on this because ultimately it is between the both of you as soul mates & life partners, and if the both of you are in agreement, you can overcome all these challenges together.

However, if you or your partner find it hard to support each other if you have overbearing and difficult in-laws, then it can cause a huge strain in the relationship in the future and you might want to re-consider whether you are the right partner for each other.

“If you don’t defuse these time bombs in time, they will eventually explode; and when they do, damage will be done…”

Most of us  are reluctant to believe these at first, but over time, most of us eventually learn it the hard way. Sometimes, it might be too late to back out when we finally realize it.

If you’ve chosen the wrong life partner or a partner who is fundamentally incompatible with you, it does not mean that you won’t get together, share sweet moments or won’t get married. In fact, there are plenty of fundamentally incompatible couples who got married and even have kids.

However, when they finally realize it, it might be too late to turn back. They are either stuck in a very unhappy marriage or eventually end up getting a divorce, causing heartbreak for themselves and sometimes their children.

So, if you are still looking for a life partner, you might want to make sure that your relationship does not fall into any of the following types of relationships.

1.  YOU CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR PARTNER THAN THEY DO ABOUT YOU

In a healthy relationship, both parties should take turns playing the role of the “pursuer” and the one “being pursued” by caring for each other and doing sweet things for each other.

If you are the only person doing all the caring and “pursuing” all the time, that means you are in a one-sided relationship. If this goes on for a long time, you run the risk of burning out eventually.

Furthermore, everyone deserves to be with someone who appreciates & loves them as much as they do.

2.  YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH YOUR PARTNER’S POTENTIAL

Are you together with someone mainly because they have the potential to become someone you’ve always dreamt of being with?

Maybe he has the potential to be a successful businessman in the future, or she could be the next top model and you’ve always dreamt of marrying a successful businessman or a famous model.

Are you still with someone because they’ve promised to change or become someone that they are not now?

Maybe he has promised that he will stop gambling when you get married, be more caring & considerate, or promised to be more responsible & honest when you get married or have kids.

Well, while it is good to believe and have faith in our partners that they could achieve their dreams or change for the better, it is dangerous to be with someone if the main reason you’re with them is because of their potential to become the person you want to be with sometime in the future.

Can You Accept Them For Who They Are Right Now?

You have to be really honest with yourself and ask yourself whether you love them as they are right now.

10 years down the road, if they are still struggling to build their first successful business venture, never became the famous model they wanted to be, or are still gambling and smoking, would you still love them for who they are?

If your answer is yes, then you’re good to go.

But if your answer is no, then you might want to seriously consider whether you are really in love with the person or the potential of the person to grow or change into someone you hope they could become.

Why You’re Likely To Get Disappointed If You’re In Love With Someone’s Potential?

In life, nothing is certain; things happen, and plans fail or change.

If your love for someone depends on whether they are able to achieve their goals, then you will be in for a rough ride filled with disappointment, which would in turn hinder them from achieving their goals.

Also, old habits die hard. Almost 90% of our personality, habits and character are more or less set once we turn 19, unless we go through some sort of life – changing experience. So, if the person you are with has a habit or character trait that you can’t live with, you must be prepared to accept it because the chances of them not being able to change is quite high even though they promised to.

Suggestion:

Find Someone Whom You Can Love As They Are Right Now

True love is about being able to love & accept someone for who they really are, both the good and the bad. So it’s best to find someone whom you can fully love & accept just the way they are right now.

Learn to love & value someone’s character & traits rather than an image or potential. If you have to, love someone because they are passionate, hardworking & talented, instead of their potential to be successful because they have these traits. Learn to appreciate what they have and who they are right now, not who they could become.

If They Promise To Change, Make Sure They Do That Successfully Before Marriage

If someone has a habit or trait that you can’t live with but vows to compromise and change that because they want to be with you, you could give them a chance but make sure that they carry it out successfully before you get married. Otherwise, there is a high chance that you will be stuck in a very unhappy marriage or it might end in divorce. Either that, or you would have to learn to live with it and accept it.

3.  YOU ARE ON A “RESCUE MISSION”

Do you feel that you have the power to change your partner for the better?

Do you feel that if you leave your partner right now they will not be able to survive on their own or they will go down a bad path and you’d feel guilty for leaving them to their own demise?

If you do, there is a high chance that you are not really in love, but actually on a “Rescue Mission”.  In a healthy relationship, partners support and encourage each other, but not to the extent where one is constantly trying to “rescue” the other.

Mistaking Sympathy For Love

If you are on a “Rescue Mission”, you might be mistaking your sympathy for someone as love.  It is a good thing to help someone or a friend you care about, but you do not have to make the person your lover or soul mate in order to help them, we could help them just as well as a friend, or refer them to a professional who can help.

If you mistake your sympathy for someone as love, your sympathy might turn into apathy when you realize that you can’t really “rescue” someone from themselves or that it takes a huge amount of effort and sacrifice from you. A person who needs you to constantly “rescue” them or help them is not your lover, they are your “project”.

4.  AN IDOL & FAN RELATIONSHIP

In a healthy relationship, both should have a healthy amount of admiration & respect for each other.

However, if the admiration of one of them is so lop-sided that it almost puts them on a pedestal, then it can severely affect the dynamics of the relationship. In such cases, the relationship is more of a idol & fan girl/boy relationship rather than a romantic relationship.

A Superior & Inferior Attitude

Such relationships often occur when someone gets together with their role model or someone they look up to tremendously such as a student and a teacher or an employee and their boss.

However, that does not mean that people who look up to each other can’t be together, the issue here is whether there is an attitude that one is superior than the other.

A boss and an employee or a student and a teacher can live happily together if they are able to communicate and treat each other as equals in their relationship, where the person who is being admired more can come down from their pedestal and treat their partners as equals in the relationship.

If not, the relationship will turn into more of a fan & idol relationship rather than a normal healthy romantic relationship. This can severely affect the self-esteem of the supposedly “inferior” partner and it can also slowly evolve into the first type of relationship that won’t work where one cares much more about the other.

5. YOU’RE INFATUATED WITH YOUR PARTNER FOR EXTERNAL REASONS

Imagine your partner.

Now, imagine if they no longer had all their material wealth, no longer had all their good looks or dazzling skills such as smooth dance moves, impeccable guitar skills or their mesmerizing voice.

With just their character, personality and who they really are deep inside, would you still want to be with them?

If your answer is no, then there might be a chance that you are infatuated with your partner for primarily external reasons.

It is perfectly alright to be infatuated with your partner for external reasons, and it is definitely a good thing if your partner is attractive, good looking and skillful.

However, if you are only attracted to them because of external reasons alone, then you run the risk of:

• Losing interest & be tempted to stray when their beauty fades or wealth dwindles (Tempted to have affairs)

• Ignoring other serious problems or incompatibilities in the relationship because you  are infatuated

Hence, although a person’s external qualities make up part of the person and it is alright for us to be attracted to them because of that, we should bear in mind that a person’s inner & more permanent qualities such as values, character, attitude & personality are more important.

A person with the right values, character & attitude can easily weather through tough times & regain their external wealth or acquire new skills. Life is a long and challenging journey full of surprises, and what you really want is a person who has the inner strength to go through all the ups and downs with you while encouraging you & making you smile.

You would want someone whom you would still love & appreciate when you are both 90 years old and have wrinkles all over your faces, someone whose mere presence and company would make you happy. It doesn’t matter what the both of you look like, can still do, or have, as long as you are together, you are happy.

Suggestion:

In short, don’t be blinded by infatuation, get to know someone better and choose your life partner wisely, taking into account their non-external qualities that are more important before making a decision. If they also happen to have attractive external qualities, that’s a bonus, but they should not be your main criteria.

6. A RELATIONSHIP OF CONVENIENCE

There are times where 2 individuals happen to be stuck in the same place or same activity for a period of time and it would seem like the time is right, the feel is right and everything is right for love to happen, and it happens.

It could be 2 co-workers on a working trip, 2 strangers taking a 3 month holiday at the same resort or 2 students working on the same project.

Now, don’t be mistaken, we are not saying that strong & lasting relationships can’t start this way. In fact, many have, and it is a really romantic way to start a relationship.

However, if you rely solely on the good experience you had during that short magical time you had together to fuel your entire relationship, then you run the risk of blinding yourself from realizing whether the both of you are right for each other.

Hence, it is great if you meet someone that way, but make sure that you find out whether the both of you are compatible when you’re not in such isolated and romantic situations as well when you’re back to your normal everyday life. If you are, congratulations, but if you’re not; don’t hang on to the illusion that you are because of that magical first encounter. You might be missing out on the right one for you who’s still out there.

7.  YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP TO PROVE A POINT

There are some people who choose to be with someone just to prove a point.

Sometimes, they do so because they are tired or simply just don’t agree on their parent’s idea of who they should or should not date. They would date someone who is exactly who their parents told them not to in order to prove their parents wrong. Even though it is obvious to them that they are suffering in the relationship, they would still press on because they want to prove a point.

Sometimes, they do so because friends or family members say they can’t be with someone or can never be in certain relationships, and they make sure they do it to prove them wrong.

This is not how true love and true relationships are supposed to be. If we do this, we are merely using our partners to prove a point, and it would make life miserable for everyone. It is not worth gambling our happiness just to prove a silly point.

Be with someone because you genuinely love them and are right for each other, do not force yourself to be with someone or continue being with someone just to prove a point.  It won’t be fair to yourself and your partner.

8.   YOUR PARTNER IS UNAVAILABLE

All of us deserve to be with someone who is able to love us whole-heartedly as we love them, because otherwise, we will merely be surviving on someone else’s “leftover love”.

We all know that.

But sometimes, we can get blinded by our emotions or circumstances and lead ourselves to believe that it is okay to be with someone who is not available.

It is also important to note that although someone says that they are available or will make themselves available to you, they might not really be available.

If someone:

• Is with someone else
• Promises to leave someone to be with you
• Hasn’t recovered from their previous relationship
• Has broken up with their previous partner but still has feelings for them or might get back together with them
• Is with someone else but tells you that you are the only one they love/they love you more than the other

They are all not available. Don’t kid yourself.

Find someone who is truly single & available and ready to start a new relationship with you and you alone.

“If you chose the right partner, life can be like heaven on earth; but if you’ve chosen the wrong partner, it can be a living hell…”